Monday, May 31, 2010

Why I still speak out for equality

I'm kind of a minister with a virtual pulpit. My words don't go out just on a Sunday morning, but things I have written through the years are still being read, and touching lives. I wanted to share a recent email, that affirms to me why I still do what I do...and that I want to keep speaking out in print and in person.

Hi Darlene,I am not even sure if this will ever reach you....but I need to write to you....About 12 years ago I read your book 'Long road to love' . Although it was out of print, I had managed to find a copy on Amazon and clung to what I believed was a light- if other people could go straight, so could I. I read other books as well- unfortunately in South Africa access to that type of literature is not that easy, so I imported a lot. My struggle never ceased though- I contacted Exodus International, who advised me to stay accountable to other Christians so I tried the accountable thing for a while- I had a friend like the one you wrote about in the book- she stuck with me through thick and thin but I always felt like I was swimming up stream.I remember about 6 years ago trying to google you- I wanted to know if you were still living according to the book I had read- cos I had stopped believing it was possible. 6 years ago, my google search for you returned no results. I have had long battle in my life with my sexuality-3 serious suicide attempts (according to doctors I shouldn't be alive),a complete erosion of my faith and much heart ache has echoed throughout my life and 4 years ago, when I woke from a coma in ICU after a 3rd failed attempt to end my life, I gave up the struggle and I chose to stop battling and accepted myself as a gay woman. I lost my best friend and lost my faith in the process- but I found myself and that was the best thing ever. I am free from the self hatred and the guilt that plagued me. A lot of my wounds and past choas have totally healed and I am now in the process of writing a book about my journey. I am in a place at the moment where I am trying to heal a very broken relationship with my maker. My heart is still very hard towards Christians and I am very sceptical when it comes to God- but without Him,I am not entirely complete The sceptic in me though needs to be brave enough to reach out through the place that is spiritually broken.So another phase of my journey has begun - this time very different from the one I followed years ago seeking freedom from my sin. This time I come as I am and he can either spit me out or hold me close.As I am preparing to write my book, I opened the box from the past that contains my journals, my prayers, your book and other books I read during the years I tried to go straight. Tonight I randomly googled your name again and stumbled upon your site and read your public apology and cried. You had an impact on my life back then- you had an impact on it again tonight. Thank you.Regards CarolSouth Africa